What's My Name? - Part 2

Okay, so my last name is Hirsch. And, unless one has a hyphenated last name, other names in an ancestry are not mentioned. For me, some of them are not remembered at all and were only discovered by my wonderful daughter-in-law.

So, let’s sort all this out just going back no more than three or four generations.

Hirsch paternal line came also from Ulhman, Epstein, and Lebenfeld.

Hirsch maternal line came from Michel and Wright

Messing (my mom) paternal line came also from Rothenstein and Sliverman

Messing maternal line came from Silberstein and Jaques

Put them all together and they spell Maurice L. Hirsch, Jr., M. L. Hirsch Jr., Maurice Hirsch, Bud Hirsch. And these family names just scratch the surface.

What's My Name?

My birth certificate says it’s Maurice L. Hirsch, Jr.
Everyone calls me Bud.
My dad was Maurice L. Hirsch.
Everyone called him Maurice.
Very few call me Maurice, but I do answer to it.
The suffix of “Jr.” can cause computer database confusion as if it’s my last name.
It’s really long when I attach my academic degree to its end.
Some of my name badges are shortened to M. L. Hirsch, Jr. for lack of space.
My email addresses include two that are my full initials: mlhjr

I used my full name for everything I published during my academic career.
I have used my full name for my poetry to date.
It’s what I write when a signature is called for.
It’s what comes up with the most stuff in Google.

In one of my poems, “Accessory to the Second,” I discuss the whole “Jr.” thing and conclude:

• Yes, I know it’s not usual for a Jew to be named after someone who was alive at his birth.
• Even though Dad is gone, he’s Maurice L. Hirsch, not me. So, I keep the next-generation tag.

When I was a boy, I disliked my given name. Maurice was not what a guy was called in the 40s and 50s. I was always Bud Hirsch unless forced by some legal or parental reason to use my full name. As I grew up, I began to like Maurice. While I used it in business correspondence, around the time I went to graduate school I began to really like it as a name, its tie to my father, and its flow as a whole thing. Sure I was and am Bud to any and all, but my name is Maurice L. Hirsch, Jr.

Now I am faced with a different dilemma. My poetry coach says, with good reasoning and evidence, using my full name is just too long for editors. She asked me to choose between Bud Hirsch and Maurice Hirsch, to drop the middle initial and the suffix. And she asked me to register on some author sites with this new, shortened name. Given my protection and use of my full-blown name with all its length, two periods, and a comma, for all these years, changing this representation of my persona is hard.

I chose Maurice Hirsch, the other too informal for me for a poet’s/author’s name. I guess I’m Maurice Hirsch in any case and it’s no disrespect to or ignoring of Dad to be that name with no qualifiers. But only for professional reasons.

Registering a New Scanner

We got a new Canon scanner. When I installed the software, I was asked if I would like to register the product online. Sure, why not. Clicking on the link, I see three lines where I have to fill in stuff. The first is “pick your product.” Clicking on that, I have two choices: Printer or Multifunction Machine. No scanners. No way around this. I look at other parts of the site, try to register from other angles, but am always shunted to this same page with no way to register a scanner.

I emailed Canon, told them of the problem, and asked how I could register my scanner. The following is, in part, their reply:

"Thank you for writing to us concerning your CanoScan 5600F. We value you as a Canon customer and appreciate the opportunity to assist you. We regret to hear that you are experiencing difficulties registering your CanoScan online.

"To register the CanoScan, please follow these steps:

"1. Visit Canon's website at: www.canontechsupport.com

"2. Just below 'Please choose your product from the menus below:', select your model in the following manner:

"2-1. Click the down arrow on the top drop-down box and select Scanners.

"2-2. Click the down arrow on the middle drop-down box and select CanoScan Series.

"2-3. Click the down arrow on the bottom drop-down box and select CanoScan 5600F and click 'GO'.

"3. On the CanoScan 5600Fs Technical Support web page, click on 'Register Your Product' in the Getting Started box.

"In the new window that appears will be the registration form.

"Please let us know if we can be of any further assistance with your CanoScan.

"Thank you for choosing Canon."

Okay. I did all this. However, when I got to Step 3, in the Getting Started box is just the phrase “Information Not Available.”

I’ve written them again asking how I can register my scanner.

New Expiration Date

My credit card was nearing its expiration date and the credit card company sent me a new card. I don’t know about you, but I have many accounts with automatic payment to my credit card on a regular basis (e.g., phone) and when I buy something online. For most of these accounts, I could go to their website and update my information. For some, there was no way to do this causing me to have to phone and/or email them. (I wonder, for example, why there is no way to update my credit card information on AAA.) And then, of course, there are the sites that are down for “routine maintenance” and ones I will have to call “during regular business hours.”

So, after I completed my task (took about an hour so far), I immediately got an automated call from my credit card company wanting verification on several sites where I had updated information. All of these were test charges (i.e., $1.00 that is never actually charged). Happy to have the fraud division so alert. I guess the whole slew of changes all at one time caused bells to ring and a red flag to be waved.

Glad I only have to go through with this every three years!

Real Estate Taxes Redux

I have written before about the real estate assessment we received and that our dear county wanted to raise the assessed value on our house by 37 percent in the wondrous real estate year of 2009. And I have written about the whole process of trying to get the assessment reduced, getting together lots of information, and going to duke it out with the assessor’s office and, ultimately, getting relief from the Board of Equalization. It’s every two years I go through this exercise. They say mind games are good for old folks. Hmmmm.

Upon the advice of someone involved in the process, instead of filing my appeal as I have done in each of the last several two-year reappraisal cycles, I scheduled what is called “an informal conference” with a member of the appraiser’s office. I have been loath to do this in the past since my experience is that their job at such conferences is to just defend what the computer model has burped out for the assessed value and the homeowner doesn’t get anywhere. But, I thought I’d try.

I came to the meeting prepared with all the material I would put in a formal appeal, including the appeal form. A very nice young man from the assessor’s office first went through the basics of verifying building height, building style (wanted to know what percent of our first floor was stone as compared to siding), etc. After these opening pleasantries, he started looking through the material I had amassed. We got no further than the first chart showing the history of my assessments and reductions from the Board of Equalization over the last decade.

It seems that since I was sent my notice of assessed values, a supervisor had done a manual override on the system for our property and had come up with a value that was about the same as 2007. Ultimately, much to my surprise, the system worked. There must be some flag that kicks out properties with huge increases for a smell test.

So, no problem. Case closed. Would have been nice if I had gotten a new appraisal in the mail so I wouldn’t have had to go to this conference. And, as the nice man said, “See you in two years.” Guess the system isn’t totally fixed.

Is This the Person with Whom I Am Connected?

Got my ATT bill yesterday. Hmm. Total is about $30 lower than last month. In looking through the bill, I see that there are no charges for my DSL service. I look at last month’s bill. Yep. Was charged then. So, I call the handy-dandy 800 number last night.

Naturally, you have to go through things like: “I see you’re calling from xxx-xxx-xxxx. Is that the number on your bill?” “Yes,” I reply. The voice says, “I’ll just look that up.” Now, I ask you, what is a computer voice going to do once “he” has looked up my account? Next questions are to see if they can handle this all with automated responses (e.g., “Do you want to check your outstanding balance?”). You are allowed to say “none of the above” to the list of choices. After several times of doing this, the reply came back: “Sorry, that office is closed now. Call back during regular business hours.” So much for 24-hour responses to questions.

This morning I went through the same deal. Yes, that’s the number. None of the above. None of the above. None of the above. And I’m referred to a customer service agent who comes right on the line and is quite helpful overall. My first question to her is whether I need to tell her the number/account I’m calling about. “Yes.” Guess automation only goes so far. The computer voice who said, “I’ll just look that up,” neglected to send the customer service representative “he” was referring me to what “he” had looked up.

I ask about no Internet charges on my bill. She tells me that the Internet division had not gotten their information over to whatever division does the billing this month. Not to worry, though. My service will continue. They will just catch up next month.

Ah, the new AT&T. No communication between the automated system and real people. No communication between divisions so services can be billed on time. America rolls on.

He/She is ...

Please add to this list via emails to hirschwrites@sbcglobal.net


not the brightest lightbulb in the box
not the brightest crayon in the box
not the brightest bulb on the porch.
not the brightest bulb in the chandelier
not the brightest penny in the bunch
not the brightest balloon in the bunch

not the sharpest pencil in the box
not the sharpest tool in the shed
not the sharpest crayon in the box
not the sharpest razor in the pack

not the ripest fruit on the vine
not the fastest gun in the west
not the one thinking at warp speed
not the highest card in the deck

a few bricks shy of a load.
not playing with a full deck
one crayon short of a full set
a little low on wattage
His/her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
All her puppies don't bark.
a few screws short of a hardware store.
a few peas short of a casserole.
The gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
His/her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
A nice person, but the oars don’t reach the water

Some odd/mixed ones
not the brightest shelf on the knife.
not the brightest tool in the shed