With Whom Are You Siding?

With Whom Are You Siding?
November, 2002

Maybe it’s just me, but I am amazed and confused about the new houses that are swiftly covering the land around us. It must just be me, because these houses seem to be selling almost as fast as they can get them up. I am talking about subdivision houses that are being built out here where civilization (so to speak) meets farm fields.

My beef is with the design of these houses and the materials used on them. You drive down the road and see new developments with houses that are “starting in the $700,000s.” Realizing that this is a low-ball price (you probably have to dry wall the place yourself or install the plumbing to get a house this “cheap”), we are talking about houses that go for $800,000 to over $1 million.

First, I guess that if I were going to spend a mil, I would want to find a lot and hire my own architect. Not so for all these folks who seem to enjoy a high-priced house that looks pretty much like the other houses on the street.

Now, let’s get more specific about my objections. Even though there are four or five models a builder gives you to choose from, they really all look alike. For example, there is a two-story-high entryway with or without columns in front of it. Roof lines are frenetic with peaks here and there and everywhere. What happened to nice clean lines? And how did these houses whose design looks like they should be somewhere in the city end up getting plopped down here on ex-soybean fields?

There are false dormers in the roof line implying a third floor. You know they are a sham since you can see roof trusses behind the lace curtains they hang up there. And, what does the homeowner do to wash these windows or clean curtains screening nonexistent rooms?

Okay, how about the exterior surfaces of these expensive abodes? Mostly the fronts seem to be brick, with red the predominant color. The sides and back are usually white siding. I don’t have any problem with the combination of masonry and siding. My issue is the non-symmetrical nature of the design: solid red brick front, solid white everywhere else. Yeah, yeah, I know that masonry costs more than siding. But we’re talking about million-dollar houses here. If the front is of a different material than the other three sides, at least couldn’t it be the same color (like tan or gray)? In this city, we require commercial developers to have a truly four-sided building. In other words, the same attention, detail, and materials must be evident all around the building, even in the back where the loading dock is. No such standard exists for houses.

And many of the fronts are all dolled up with an amazing combination of stone and red brick. We’re not talking about some nice accents here and there. We are talking about a major hodge podge of colors and textures, all disappearing to that wonderful white siding around the sides and back.

So, for about $1 million, you can get a McMansion out here in the hinterlands. It’s on a lot that is less than a half-acre, but you do get sod. The development is probably honeycombed with steep-sided ravines that are included in the euphemism “common ground.” ( “Hey, kids. Why don’t you go out and play games on the common ground?”) There can also be a chain-link-fenced sewer pumping station (tastefully landscaped with bushes) right on the main street. Luckily, you get a four-car garage, so you can park your Hummer in there along with your yard tractor.

In a new subdivision near us, I noticed that their designs have won a Homer Award. I wondered if the accolade was from Homer Simpson.